Another disappointment

i spent time with you, venting to you. thinking you were my friend. even though in the beginning i knew you couldn't be trusted. but yet i still trusted you. 3 yrs of friendship and you continued to disappoint me. why would you go and talk about me to "complete strangers"? i guess that goes to show me who you trust instead of me. what irks me is that those meaningless ppl dont know me at all and their taking the advice from you. years from now ill look back and see how stupid i was for having ppl like you in my life. you make me laugh because you contradict yourself so much. everything you say about me is exactly what you are. but you know what that shows me? that you hate yourself and you envy me. you envy me because you wish you can care like me. you wish that you can walk around with a big fat smile on your face even though your hurting inside. and you know what i dont need any drugs to help me do that. get out of the clouds and come back into reality, and instead of trying to be "real" all the time, be sane, be considerate. treat yourself with more respect. everyone has their flaws, noone is perfect, but wake up and accept the fact that you have problems, and that its okay. ppl who stay in the sky eventually fall.

The NERVE!

I was out for dinner with a friend last night and the food was great and all, anyway we get the bill pay it and didn't realize that we left a small tip. as were walking out, the waiter comes running after us asking us why we left such a small tip and asked if we weren't satisfied with the service. we explained to him saying we didn't notice and apologized and gave him a $5 tip. i understand why he would have gotten upset but HEY that's life and not only that but this is NEW YORK the harshest city in the world. ANYWAY that wasn't my point. so we decide to go to union square afterwards. when we get there we see a friend so we get all excited cause we haven't seen him in a while and we run up to him and say hi. the first thing he says to my friend is "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TEN DOLLARS, BITCH I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT. YOU BETTER GIVE ME MY MONEY" (speechless) so i decided to take out a cigarette and offer it to him , telling him that he can use one, and then he gets in my face and says " AND YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE, YOUR A FAKE ASS PERSON AND YOUR AN IDIOT" so you know i exchanged a few words as well but i realized that this dude is only taking out his anger on me because of his own personal issues. IF YOUR PISSED OFF AND NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY, STAY YOUR FUCKING ASS HOME!!!! no one needs to be brought down because your having a bitch fit. my point of this blog is that its amazing how people think they know you, whether it may be the things they heard about you or the way they view your appearance. the fact of the matter is that they don't know you, so don't go on with Ur life caring about what others have to say because no matter what people are always going to have their opinions and there's nothing you can do about it. people who are miserable with themselves are always going to try to put you down so they could feel better about themselves. and that is exactly what happened to me last night. all you have to do is eat that shit up and embrace it. love that people are going through the trouble to yell at you, just means that their affected by you or they care.

Heart, Mind, Dignity, Pride

I'm suppose to be moving on with my life, and all I'm doing is dwelling on the past. it has gotten to the point where venting over this situation has become comfortable, i know that seems bizarre. my heart is swollen, mind exhausted, dignity shattered, and pride not strong enough. my body beats with heat and frustration. if only that one understood how disgustingly sad i am. even if you don't care about someone, the pain you put them through should guilt you enough. my tears are tired and i haven't cried for you in awhile. i want to kill your pride, i want to push your face into reality so you can see what kind of person you truly are. i hate your phonyness, i hate your evil smile, i hate your arrogance, i hate your misery, but most of all I FUCKING HATE YOU!

written in july 2008

SEX

Is it the affection you show when your in love, or is it when your hormones are at rage? i never was in love, my idea of sex was just for fun. what i realize now is that sex is not an object of affection, but a cause for aggravation. some people have sex to cope with the pain their going through, some even do it to prove their love for one another, others do it because they don't think before they act. don't really know which category i'm in, but i'll tell you one thing, i have been hurt by sex. torn apart inside, ripped right to the core. my meaning of sex is vague. i have no meaning. its amazing how people can be in the act of sex, gazing into each others eyes, then later hate each other. sex is not part of love, but is part of something indescribable. but what is sex? why do we need to have sex to get closer to that significant other? why cant we skip it and show the passion in a less harmful way. sex for me so far hasn't opened love, but has welcomed a broken heart, which later became bruised.

A silent cry for help

I'm in a deep coma, and have been for some time now. when will i realize? feeling insecure is not helping. the clouds reconnect, while i pray to have one last good cry. i dont want to be like this any longer. it's like a hungry mouse wanting that piece of cheese but cant get to it because it is being stopped by the outside world. im trying to escape from the stress but cant because of the memories. how do i stop my mind from thinking? i reject myself because you rejected me. i feel like putting myself in a bubble and flying high above the sky so i can see how beautiful life really is, when i'm not in the mix of emotions. reality is hard to accept,but in reality thats how we find our inner beings. how we learn from our mistakes, and how we grow. people make this thing we call life what it is. love, hate, sorrow, pain, we all go through it. were only at ease in the present time. i want to be able to love, i want to feel that happiness i have been longing for. i dont want to be damaged forever. my heart is broken, but is slowly healing. i want for people to come together and cry and know that everything is okay. i want god to tell me that i'll be alright, i want a sign and for it to touch me in a way that will wake me up for eternity. god please wake me up!

Name unknown

I am an artist, one who sees the beauty in all, doesnt judge nor hates. My crazy mind tells a story, a tale of misery, desire, joy, and pain. my heart stays soft i cant tell which way to turn. my eyes are a mystery with fear and lost. my voice is an echo,i hear my mistakes forever. my ears cant trust the words from others because ive been ruined. i am just an illusion, a dream, a nightmare. my tears dont have any answers, so why do i shed them? my fist are clenched for those who took advantage. my laugh is my only friend, the one i depend on to keep me moving. Strength is my goal, that im yet to achieve. my life is a movie. im a character. my name is unknown.