encouragment

Dream out loud
pretend your proud

wipe those tears
things will turn out clear

fight your mind
cuz the true ones you'll soon find

pick your head up, and stand tall
dont you dare pick up that phone and call!

you are you and noone else

you are divine and may i add FINE lol

dont you dare let one person tell you otherwise
because at the end their in for a big surprise!!!!

-Brooke

oblivious, stoned, nonchalant, happy,WHATEVER!!!

Ive worked so hard not to see this guy again, and one night i made the move. so were involved again. am i doing the wrong thing? of course i am but i dont care. im doing this for myself now because i have needs too. i do want to meet someone new but am too lazy to try. people that i meet i just dont find interesting. maybe cuz im shallow or maybe cuz im scared, either way i still dont know. i want to be set financially more than romantic or emotionally. i just hope this time i dont fall too deep. this time its all in the palm of my hands. i make the moves and im in control!!!!!

AIR

my mind has been pretty much blank for along time now. its going on a yr and im still holding on to that past. before i felt it was possible that i might have been getting over it, but another disappointment happened and i gave up hope. just because i dont have anyone else to take my mind off of wat hurts me the most doesnt mean that its impossible to move on. i feel that alot of females think that the only way to get over a guy is to find another (i feel that way time to time) but its not the right way. that either means that these females dont trust or love themselves, or maybe their not fully confident or comfortable with the way they look or who they are. but believe me its possible. i have to admit i feel lonely sometimes but its like a comfortable lonely feeling (weird, i know) i just dont want to let a male get inbetween me doing whats best for me. you put all the effort in treating him right, and when you think youve done a good job you turn to see the door swaying back closed....hes gone. every girl writes and talks about their problems and some think they are so right that they are too blind to see that they contradict themselves. who doesnt? i wish that women would wake up and not make men the center of their world...or atleast conversations lol. just breathe and appreciate this AIR that we take for granted.

Another disappointment

i spent time with you, venting to you. thinking you were my friend. even though in the beginning i knew you couldn't be trusted. but yet i still trusted you. 3 yrs of friendship and you continued to disappoint me. why would you go and talk about me to "complete strangers"? i guess that goes to show me who you trust instead of me. what irks me is that those meaningless ppl dont know me at all and their taking the advice from you. years from now ill look back and see how stupid i was for having ppl like you in my life. you make me laugh because you contradict yourself so much. everything you say about me is exactly what you are. but you know what that shows me? that you hate yourself and you envy me. you envy me because you wish you can care like me. you wish that you can walk around with a big fat smile on your face even though your hurting inside. and you know what i dont need any drugs to help me do that. get out of the clouds and come back into reality, and instead of trying to be "real" all the time, be sane, be considerate. treat yourself with more respect. everyone has their flaws, noone is perfect, but wake up and accept the fact that you have problems, and that its okay. ppl who stay in the sky eventually fall.

The NERVE!

I was out for dinner with a friend last night and the food was great and all, anyway we get the bill pay it and didn't realize that we left a small tip. as were walking out, the waiter comes running after us asking us why we left such a small tip and asked if we weren't satisfied with the service. we explained to him saying we didn't notice and apologized and gave him a $5 tip. i understand why he would have gotten upset but HEY that's life and not only that but this is NEW YORK the harshest city in the world. ANYWAY that wasn't my point. so we decide to go to union square afterwards. when we get there we see a friend so we get all excited cause we haven't seen him in a while and we run up to him and say hi. the first thing he says to my friend is "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TEN DOLLARS, BITCH I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT. YOU BETTER GIVE ME MY MONEY" (speechless) so i decided to take out a cigarette and offer it to him , telling him that he can use one, and then he gets in my face and says " AND YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE, YOUR A FAKE ASS PERSON AND YOUR AN IDIOT" so you know i exchanged a few words as well but i realized that this dude is only taking out his anger on me because of his own personal issues. IF YOUR PISSED OFF AND NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY, STAY YOUR FUCKING ASS HOME!!!! no one needs to be brought down because your having a bitch fit. my point of this blog is that its amazing how people think they know you, whether it may be the things they heard about you or the way they view your appearance. the fact of the matter is that they don't know you, so don't go on with Ur life caring about what others have to say because no matter what people are always going to have their opinions and there's nothing you can do about it. people who are miserable with themselves are always going to try to put you down so they could feel better about themselves. and that is exactly what happened to me last night. all you have to do is eat that shit up and embrace it. love that people are going through the trouble to yell at you, just means that their affected by you or they care.

Heart, Mind, Dignity, Pride

I'm suppose to be moving on with my life, and all I'm doing is dwelling on the past. it has gotten to the point where venting over this situation has become comfortable, i know that seems bizarre. my heart is swollen, mind exhausted, dignity shattered, and pride not strong enough. my body beats with heat and frustration. if only that one understood how disgustingly sad i am. even if you don't care about someone, the pain you put them through should guilt you enough. my tears are tired and i haven't cried for you in awhile. i want to kill your pride, i want to push your face into reality so you can see what kind of person you truly are. i hate your phonyness, i hate your evil smile, i hate your arrogance, i hate your misery, but most of all I FUCKING HATE YOU!

written in july 2008

SEX

Is it the affection you show when your in love, or is it when your hormones are at rage? i never was in love, my idea of sex was just for fun. what i realize now is that sex is not an object of affection, but a cause for aggravation. some people have sex to cope with the pain their going through, some even do it to prove their love for one another, others do it because they don't think before they act. don't really know which category i'm in, but i'll tell you one thing, i have been hurt by sex. torn apart inside, ripped right to the core. my meaning of sex is vague. i have no meaning. its amazing how people can be in the act of sex, gazing into each others eyes, then later hate each other. sex is not part of love, but is part of something indescribable. but what is sex? why do we need to have sex to get closer to that significant other? why cant we skip it and show the passion in a less harmful way. sex for me so far hasn't opened love, but has welcomed a broken heart, which later became bruised.